RAHELI
 

AMA

What are your preferred pronouns

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I go by she/her 

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What labels are you comfortable using 

I think I would be, Pan cause I like people across the board. I thought it was Bi but it's pretty much everything.  

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At what age did you have Queer-wakening

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It was high school, though it wasn't very obvious. I had just assumed it's like I love my best friends cause they're my best friends and I love them. But then I started realising like I would have waking dreams about people and then it wasn't so plain and straight (pardon the pun) anymore...so yeah high school, maybe like form 2. Cause  again being isolated with girls just opens up  your (pandoras boooxxxxx) yeah

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What events led you to your queer-wakening 

We would play like truth or dare and then eventually you would have to make out with a girl it depends on how far it goes, because you know you run out of options at some point it will be girl on girl and then there are some points where I realised there are some girls that were actually excited to be now be isolated with me and then I would just be like "Oh my god" like in my head I'm like I have a boyfriend but this is almost becoming like a throuple...It just started, yeah, that was like maybe campus, yeah that was campus 

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So what led you to be like "Yeah I'm gay"

It's not even... I was chilling with a...she's bi, though she feels like a lesbian. She doesn't  like, like men much and she was related to someone who was fluid and I was like obsessed with them both so I wasn't even sure which one but both, that was after campus. 

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In form 2, despite being clustered (isolated) with girls was there anything else that led you down that path 

Well there was a lot of people in the school who were openly gay and they just seemed so cool, they were just like free wearing whatever they want, if they wanna look pretty they look pretty and if they don't they look like their boys and that was very interesting for me to watch cause I was also very tomboyish, I liked my things baggy, my hair was always a 'fro or something so I would relate to these people so well and then I realised I can't even judge them, you know, around the school you would here stories "ey, hawa ni malele, tunawajua, hao kwanza hao ni recruiters" our school was so intense yoh, if you're in form one they monitor you from day one, they notice what you look like what clubs you will be in and if you're their girl and they would actually would take you. But of course it's consensual, it's like you're happy to be in the cool kids.

So it was basically like a recruitment

It was, it was, they would just observe if you have like...It would .. our school was very classist if you have a hot brother you're in if you have.. you know if your cute, you're light-skinned you're petite, you can FA uniform. However, if you are not, you ain't in. So there was a lot of recruitment, I wasn't roped in or anything because we were so similar we would just be boys. We would just be like "Whatever these chics are cute that's true, cool" I'm not wearing eyelashes in form 2 bro, like, yoh pressure was a lot 

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Have you come out to your family

No, but..a member of my family made me feel open about it but at the time I wasn't open about it, but she told me herself. She even has like a man and a woman, we call home, we ask how is she doing, her mum tells us she's on a cruise with her boyfriend but when she comes back she'll go on holiday with her girlfriend and I'm like then it's ok, it's fine but I'm not, I don't feel like telling them about anything honestly. I just... they already assume so much I just let them think what they want honestly 

Would you ever come out to them

I don't think so, I would defend myself or anyone in the situation of being like subjected to their judgement but to openly tell them they would really really take that and run. Already I'm considered a black sheep so they would just check it on the list. I am sure they think it,  but no one has the nerve to ask me for good reasons. So I don't think they would but if they confront me about it I wouldn't hide it.

Do you think it is important to come out to your parents

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It depends on your relationship with them.   For you.  

For myself?! Ours is very strained so I really like to keep my secrets. Although with social media I have blocked them, so it's fine. They keep coming back with other pseudo accounts I'm like I know you, you're in my contacts Instagram is warning me that I have someone else in my list who's joined

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Does your extended family have any influence, like if you came out would they ever have any influence. Like you know how people tend to say oh I can't come out (they are afraid) because of their extended family

My people are actually very open, even if shosho would find out she wouldn't like, disown me. She would just be like ah! you know your mother also had problems, even her brothers also brought me very funny issues, but you're ours". I feel like that's what she would say because my people are very open they studied abroad and all. I feel like my people cosplayed I have photos of like, they are dressing up for parties and my mum was literally genderbending. She looked like Willy Wonka, in the photo I have so you can't really judge. Our history is not very clear (but it's good not very many people can say the same thing )yeah  honestly, I am pretty lucky 

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Who are your queer heroes/ inspirations 

My queer heroes and sheroes, hehehe, of course, Ruby Rose has confused me since before I knew what was going, it was just confusing. There are many people there are people I didn't even know I was hot for, people like Doja cat, Meghan. There is a whole algorithm in my mind, hip hop mamis. I feel like Missy is queer, Missy Elliot, (yeah I also highly suspect) but she never talks about women, she just talks about guys  (I think she's bisexual)  yeah, like Queen Latifah (Queen Latifah, has never said it but she gives off gay energy, isn't she dating a woman)  I have no idea, I have no idea. And Kehlani, that comes to mind. Like Rihanna confused us all, we all wish, come just spot us. Maybe just recruit us, we’ll go...Lol

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Would you say your sexuality influences your style in any way 

Yes, uhhh, when we started out we were both dressed like boys, me and my sister, like whatever the hand me downs came from, my cousins, whatever comes, you wear it so half my life was not pretty and then for a while I thought that it was so cool, the punk 2000 with baggy jeans and maybe just a t-shirt from my cousin just so cool, written FUBU that’s it, so I can still dress like that but now I would put like eyeliner so I can do that but then again I went like extremely pretty cause I was like if I can Hannah Montana and live both lives and that's awesome and then I found out about cosplay and then it all exploded cause I haven't even explored the sexy side like Jessica Rabbit sexy and then I tapped into that and it was just... It's a spectrum all of it is linked, a lot of the Tomboy is still visible the Pretty girl still tries but  like my hair is...very... not hard work, I'm not about to work hard on my hair (hehehehe), so there are some parts

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Would you say you have more masculine energy than Feminine energy or like a good balance of both of like 60/40 

Maybeeee. like 65/35 I know I have more masculine (energy)  than most women from just my voice, though that doesn't count for much cause all the women in our family talk like this but when it comes to resonating with stories and how much, you know being in a girls school, after one month you go crazy. Chilling with just girls you don't hear anything except gossip, I'm sorry (and boys ) and boys and the boys are not here and when they are here the girl's don't do anything about it but I would but then it would become Ama is taking our men, "ha, Ama is too bold, Ama is loud," cause that energy, I'm pretty confident. I would be the one sent like go tell him we want a smokey, you go you go, you're the one who can talk, you go. Then I go and the guys like me and they are like ata usirudi just chill here we talk, then I'm like okay now I'm one of the boys but the girls will think I am taking their men. So maybe it's like 65/35. Maybe it's 50/50 I just don't know girl's don't really show their masculine energy much  

In that example, I feel like you have. 

And I am so competitive, so I'm constantly like I can do it, ( baasss settled that's your masculine energy hapo ni 90/10) if they are doing it I'll do it, so I hate being the damsel in distress 

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Do you feel like there are safe spaces in  Kenya

Yeeeeessss, I think we attended the drag kings event with you, so I think there are spaces that you can go and feel ok, the places that have European influence basically ( Shout out to the Europeans and the Canadians) and the Canadians and the French we appreciate you we see you, they do platforms where you can talk about these things without being looked at funny, like if I say...who is listening, but then you look around and everyone is looking like just speak, just say something, all those workshops, there is a few. We need  more  though, of course

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How do you usually find out about the events and the spaces 

That one ( drag king event) actually a friend of mine was involved so again, there are people in my circle who are queer so if we hype each other up we say we are gonna do a presentation or we just go out looking cute and then they tell me Oh, next week there is a gig like let's go to Alliance (Francaise) and you know... wreck it and just have fun. But I'm on social media a lot and I like to follow up on those pages because they do a lot of collaboration for artists, so it's like artists and queer people have the same little demographic, you will always find the same people in those events and their artists... Kuki had said the same thing, I don't know if it's cause we are more sensitive or we are just.... (It's like as soon as your brain is like I think I'm queer, automatically the universe is like and you're a CREATIVE!) now you need to paint your feelings (do photography, do music, you are creative now)  Go show the people, you need to wear rainbows (yeah be colourful, be in cosplay) Come on... Like I would love the cosplay community to just come together with the queer people and do drag ( and I would pay for that ) I am really waiting 

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What advice would you give to your younger self or anyone on a journey to find themselves

 Anyone who knows me would be very surprised but I wish I gave less shits, anyone who knows me would be like "damn Ama, you didn't give any" but I did. Secretly? Secretly, harbouring feelings for people who have no feelings for me, like, you know putting up appearances for family and sijui going to the right course, but I didn't do any of that. I just wish I gave less shits because not even not just with queerness but with things like expressing a mood, like there were people who were judged in our family there are people who even expelled from school but we were the same but we just weren't caught, hehehe, I mean  I survived school, I survived the system and all but it's just by grace.

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What has been your experience being pansexual in Kenya 

Ummm guys like it, it's hot for girls to like girls until it is too serious. We have seen people break up with their men because their men find out that they want other women and then they are like whaaaat... But it's been confusing cause I had assumed we'd have to hide, but if you are with a girl she had also said (Kuki), you'd never assume you're together they would assume you're bffs. So it's very easy for me to hit on a girl and the guys can't even get to the girl like even if you go to the strip club the chic would get more women than the guy

True because it's easy to approach a woman, we are not intimidating anyone, we are not shocking anyone. I would expect a lot of backlash but it wasn't, but I guess it's cause I’m a girl, if I was a boy I would be much more stressed.

So from our conversation, I get that you are out in certain spaces and not in other spaces?

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Yeah!

What pros of like coming out 

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It's a lot of like cool points, you just seem cool. Just like bad enough I guess, but I don't think it's even caught on here, cause myself, I don't have to show too much, people just assume I wouldn't be able to tolerate a lot of the guys, so a lot of the guys would just push themselves away straight up because I am so open, my conversations will obviously involve feminism, at some point, and I would notice if anyone is triggered we are done like issa wrap. So it depends, you know I've just been assimilating with the same people. I find a lot of creatives the same and we bond over it and even more. So it's not too scary, so it's just been like you are part of the rebels like tattoos are nothing, piercings are nothing, now it's about your sexuality. But I guess I am just a rebel I just like being a misfit 

 So what are some of the cons of living free and out

 A lot of people are still very close-minded of course, people would be like, ummm, a lot of people would judge you but it depends on who you interact with. Then there are a lot of people who are traumatised and they are not able to come out as open as I am because I have no backlog, I have never been outed in public, I've never been told anything that would harm my reputation, but there are people who have. So when they meet me, who seems to have no repercussions for being who I am, they get confused and they have some type of aversion towards me. So I have noticed that but it's not as harmful as I'd assumed but that's like the biggest con.  Of course, if you’re walking with a girl and you are looking super-hot together, they start asking questions, but if you're looking casual together, makangas will hit on both of you. But if you're too good together they start thinking ok now you're together for real so they spew evil, hatred. Advance catcalling like huyu si chali wako, you know, nani ni manzi, mbona unatmebea hivyo. 

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You're in the creative world, have you ever heard or witnessed cases where people have been fired for expressing themselves for being outwardly gay 

Well, there've been cases where someone is just within the workspace you know they are being demeaned, their opinion is not taken seriously and no one else can talk about them like there was one who was my boss and I was, you know, in the job with older people I had to be very feminine very formal and shit but herself she was riding a bike,she had her... I have known her like a long time, she had hair in a ponytail at all times she would never style or anything, she would always wear like baggy-baggy outfits and no one was able to speak about her or speak to her like... She was isolated and then she would kinda take it out on me, cause I take my time with my make up and then she would be like this is why you're wasting your potential, you should have been doing other things instead of doing your makeup, then I go like so that's what the guys tell you, so that's why you show up looking like a butch but... It depends, I haven't seen anyone being fired but I know maybe it leads up to them being fired eventually, it wasn't direct, but there was an attitude towards them. For example Movie Jabber, they would tell you straight up you can't participate, no black power, no feminism, no social justice and definitely no homosexuality...All those together are me... So I have a friend,  he had to write an anonymous letter because he was told we don’t want your agenda here because he was gender-bending a character... We don't even say his name but he had to step out like I've brought you even customers here today.  Movie Jabber is Racist, Homophobic and Sexist. they said no Women's agenda, no black agenda, nothing activism. There was a whole animation category I wanted to apply to, to be funded, I couldn't find anything I fit in. If I ain't do black people what am I doing? If I can't do just a little black panther in that just a little Wakanda what am I doing? 

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What advice would you give to those who want to learn more about the queer community both who want to get involved and those who looking to find themselves

As a creative, we have always had to find ourselves so that kinda helped for me. Cause we are always told that we are unprofessional and I think that’s the same thing queer people have been told, you need to change, you need to change your career, it's a phase you will grow out of it. What I've learnt is whenever they said when I thought it was a phase ever it was just a defining foundation of my life, I go back to the story one day and I'm like I really really was very very gay at that point in time and I was like so conflicted because I used to judge people also so I can't even speak to someone who's liberated because there are people who would tell me "Ama but you used to like hate on that guy, you were like, ey,  no gay shit oooo" and then now (It's the internalised homophobia) honestly like we grew up with it so we didn't know what to do and you know to impress guys we would always say things like I don't want a feminine man, I don't want someone who is doing the nails but right now I'm like if you're cleaner than me then that's impressive then fucking do it. All I can say to the people who haven't found themselves is you'll always find like judgement you'll always think you have gotten past it, it doesn't stop, you think you've challenged your boundaries and have made it out they'll be new conflict, you just have to be either a bitch or graceful there is no in-between. So you can just choose but you can't listen to what people say all the time, only if they love you and they make you feel accepted then you can listen to what they say, but that can even change in 2 years. So honestly,  it's your journey but if it makes you happy DO IT!!!  That's the main point. 

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Have you participated in anything in the queer community 

Activism, We've interviewed people, we have edited for people and I didn't march for the queers but I marched for the women but I can, I totally would. I have attended the events, I have painted my face, I have done half drag, just in support, like just half, like just my eyes. I would campaign for them throughout, I haven't done as much because I feel like people are still hiding, even for us to march on the streets and say we are queer we would be stopped before we get to like 10 minutes into the protest. If twitter counts as activism then I really bashed as many politicians as I could 

It counts depending on how you use it, it counts

My Twitter is just rage, cause I wake up every day and I wake up and I hear mara they are lowering the age of consent mara sijui they are saying women should not get half. I'm like ay guys

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Is there one thing you would change about the queer community in Kenya and how we communicate 

I know it's the fear, I just wish we would communicate more with each other because we have stories about people. We were marching for some chics in USIU, they were taken by rugby boys, the same kina Wanyama boys by force over and over and it was somehow targeting lesbians, women who've never been with men and it took so long for the stories to come out by the time they were coming out it was 100s by the same niggas. Now that's when we walked in the streets and we formed a kagroup but then people were so traumatized it couldn't even become something like...like.. you know even we are not even able to speak about these things. If only we were more open but we are not allowed to. So they had to keep those secrets even babies, watoi washazaliwa ati DNA test haija toka ndio wa ended kwa court. Eh! we sit with them in those offices and we are like what do we do now? It could have been easier if it would have been said earlier. These women reported, yeah, they went to the police and then they were told what are you wearing, we wish we would interact more cause we would be stronger that way. We would be able to go and storm into Kenyatta hospital and say these women are innocent these men did that to them, but now we can't because even if we come out these people pay off their people to incite a story so these chics we were working with it's so obvious that they are gay they hate men like they vehemently hate men. They have never been with any, they have multiple girlfriends they have never considered a man and then these men decide to target them.

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If you were to contribute further into the queer community financially or even with your speciality and advocacy how would you do it 

I would do it through art, I feel like art and activism go well. We can express more and we can make it hard and we can heal people through it and we can also get justice because the media is very powerful if our story goes on NTV by force, you know,  what would people do. People would know about it and whether they agree with it or not it's moved forward. I would use the media and I would use art so that people also heal, there's people who can't express it through words anymore, there's people who can't tell how many times they were told they were weird, people also stopped paying for their fees and shit, like heavy shit, you're told you've been disowned. So I just hope we speak up more, I hope we are getting there even if you need to start an alias account with a new name, just as long as you can express yourself. I feel like that's more healing than us waiting for the government to notice our plight. Nowadays they started checking others on the box like male, female, other, but... (it's not enough)it's not. So even by the time, we get funding for people who have been maybe... like criminalised because of being queer, they just wore pink one day and the boss blacklisted them straight up he's  like "You can't bring this shit" cause I have heard that, I've heard that a lot 

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What Phrase or Word would you use to describe the Kenyan queer community 

EXTRA.. like they stand out and they really want to stand out because they have been told not to for so long so when you meet someone, you instantly know they are gay...Instantly, even if it's like maybe within like if you have a serious conversation with somebody about anything even career, you just realise maybe they are steering you to agree with them. I was talking with someone and they are always like just stay open, you know, just be...just keep your horizons broad and I'm like, girl I see you. She was trying to play cool, she's cool, she's very cool I respect her but you know we are obvious, it's kinda obvious, cause like when I met the girls when we were older, like the cosplay girls, for example, I realised that it's ok to spank another girl if she's cute, if she accepts, so amongst ourselves, you will be very sidelined if you don't feel the same like you would have to stand on the side. Like really chill and watch and you would be so confused you have to join. Basically, if it's like a term you'd be so confused you would have to join, that's what people do here, they make you feel like it's so cool that you have to be one of them. They make it look like it's an it crowd for real. 

WE ARE… EXTRA

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