RAHELI
 

ROSE

What are your preferred pronouns

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She but mostly They

What labels are you comfortable using

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I don't like labels, don't tag me stud, fem, I'm just me. I don't like putting a tag to it, but mostly I have been with women. I have had boyfriends but it's mainly 'cause everyone is having a boyfriend, a boy is hitting on you. It's never been like, I like this boy, I want this boy. So yeah, I love Women 

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At what age did you have your queer-wakening

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Umm...13, I was in high school, there was this girl back at home. Before I knew her we used to compete in school, my mum is a teacher, so aki top side yao, mamangu anakuja kuniambia there is this girl, yeye anashinda aki kushinda the whole time. Yeah, later on, I met her at Kenya high school, we became close but, heh,  she used to give me anxiety kila saa. So at that time, I was seeing this kaboy,  nilikuwa na kaboyfriend but all the time I would go to see her and the guy would always be there, after a while she was my first girlfriend, from tu hizo encounters. 

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What were the events that led to your queer-wakening 

Umm..When I had my first girlfriend, I just knew, cause I had, had tu things with boys by then, okay, it's never anything serious, just holding hands, long phone calls and all. But eh with this girl, nilikuwa namtaka. yeah, like I really liked her and I really wanted to be with her in every way. It had never been like that with the boys, even now it's never been like that with boys. So I just knew...

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What was your journey like

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Actually, I came to question myself much later, when I was liking girls and all those first times I really didn't have any doubt, so after I go to campus, kwanza hauna boyfriend, kwanza class nilikuwa they actually knew I was gay and they knew me before I even made friends, they even knew my girlfriend na alikuwa UON, me niko KU, so nilikuwa hii class, so watu wana ni jua, then some people would not want to be your friends they won't show it right to your face but hah (Hannah: sasa mbona utakata kuwa marafiki na mschana gay?) cause labda atakukatia na hautaki ushetani, ohmygawd😂, so around then, it was also the first time my big sister alibring up, she was asking me but indirectly, like she is demanding to know who you're going to hang out with, some day ananiuliza hadi have you gone to see your boyfriend ama it's your girlfriend, then she just brushes it off like she didn't say it. yeah, so back then I was trying to fix myself with some boy, oh my gosh it was the worst decision I ever made. Yeah, so I got now my first real real boyfriend, wah, (Hannah: Isaac, he is very handsome, na nimluhya ama nimluo?) nimjaka... 

Yeah that was when I was joining campus, that was when I started wondering if I am really gay ama I'm straight and I was influenced but then I just thought niliinfluenciwa na nani cause when I had my first girlfriend I didn't even know about being queer and all, ilikuwa mapenzi innocent (Hannah: it was so natural) we are not trying to be sijui what we are just naturally like that, so afterwards, ndiyo nilikuwa na hiyo phase ya maybe I'm straight ohmygawd. yeah I was going through that, yeah at that time the chic I was seeing pia yeye she had the same issues, so she was like my friend in that way after tumewachana kwa she also looked for a boyfriend and all, but yeah, it's the kind of relationship you wish you never got yourself into.
 

Have you come out to anyone in your family?

Not really but I have been outed a few times. One time by a lecturer, my big sister is like my closest sibling and there are people who know me and they know her, when they hear stuff wanampigia simu. Yeah, so she has heard it from a lot of people. My mum too, my mum has been TOLD and every time she has been told, weh, she just scolds me, 'sijaacha hiyo ushetani' sijui she says things ananiambia 'you know people your age hawafanyi hizo vitu unafanya,' ​ sijui blah, I should really check my lifestyle niachane na hizo vitu na fanya. 'I shouldn't be living like that, it's really wrong' She is waiting for me to stop, because I need to stop (Hannah: tell her to stop being straight)​ whatever it is.

 (Hannah: mwambie a kiss best friend wake aone kama hataipenda) yeah but my big sister ni yule wa 'it was supposed to be a phase', sooo, it should be over by now, yeah she tells me things like 'there is no single girl who can say she has never liked a girl that way but then'  ati 'hiyo huisha' it's like a phase, by now it should be over, it shouldn't be something that I have chosen to do,  (Hannah: Forever) , it's not who I am so In shouldn't choose to be like that for good. I have this holier than though sister  she doesn't talk about it (Hannah: Bible verses), ah ah, it's my big sis by the way, yeye ndiyo alinigeuka akanza kunitumia ata sermons, the one  who said it was supposed to be a phase. Even saying that maybe it's spirits or something, I should read the bible sijui, go see who. Ananitumia sermons ni watch youtube. 

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(Hannah: na yule pastor) ehe!!! oh my gawd (Hanna: she met a pastor last year, ama ilikuwa earlier this year?) Last year, yeah, a friend of mine took me to some church, nikapatana na huyo mtu, he was...oh my gawd, anaongelea bible but he is really sexualising it, ni kama mungu ni mwanamume, literally, that's the way he is talking about the bible. Ananiongelesha hivyo cause apparently he knows I'm not straight  (Hannah: Mwambie alikuambia Mungu anafa kufanya nini..) Oh, my gawd… (Hannah: alikuambia ati let God ejaculate on you) yeah, that's what he said, and it was in church. yeah, he said ejaculate. 

Yeah so my sister would keep referring me to church,  she says I should join what, cause I grew distance after people were telling her about me and I didn't want to have that conversation with her cause we were really good friends, I'm not good friends with the rest of my siblings but I was so free with her. Hah! When she became like that, I just grew so distant, I'd go home, I wouldn't go visit. Napita nikimsalima and then I leave, yeah, so akaanza kunipea hizo summons, and she was sending them for a while then she realised that sometimes I don't even talk back when she does that, juu ninashanga leo umeniamkia umeamua, so today I should watch this and I have tried watching some of those things ile ya ah she's recommending thing, I'm just curious not that I am trying to fix myself but huuh let me see what it is that she thought that can fix me. Huh, those things they say, they just it's spirits mara what, I have a friend alipelekwa kuombewa by some pastor, the guy alimkata kata ata na wembe, he's like  'it's the evil spirits or something' yeah she came back with cuts and cause her family is really overly religious walibelieve imagine?! that she's possessed? yeah, that's how they ended up taking her to that guy, nizille family...she just left home alienda kule alienda because now ....what... 

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So how is your relationship with your family now?

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After all those things wee are not friends like we used to be anymore, it's just awkward tension, cause there are things we can't talk about. Yeah, even now my mum is bringing up the whole boyfriend thing ati if I have a man in my life. (Hannah: Nitakupea ring, you show off) wewe 😂. She keeps asking, but then I don't like spending a lot of time with them because it always comes up or if you don't want to talk about that wanakuliza, basi who are you seeing or something and you just know that they don't accept it, so unashanga if you're asking me if I'm seeing a woman (Hannah: Alafu ukienda nyumbani na mimba bado ni shida) Exactly.

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Yeah and my dad, my dad has heard about it when my mum did, but he just IGNORES IT, like analenga. Like 'hoh, I didn't hear' so there was a time even my mum sat me down and my dad was there, my mum talked to me sister alikuwa amepatikana na pombe kwa nyumba then she said it was mine and we were still in high school, actually, she was the one who was in high school, mimi nilikuwa nimemaliza, yeah so nikakalishwa kuongeleshewa my mum brought up the whole being gay thingy cause it was the first time she had heard the rumour. Huyo girlfriend wangu alikuwa from around home, yeah so people just told her, cause she is such a boy, in every way, so they told my mum. The first time she sat me down kuniambia hiyo don't drink, sijui nini, she brought it up. After she was done talking, my dad talked to me, he only mentioned the alcohol, hiyo story ingine nikama ilimpita. Though yeye we've never been close, I wouldn't say it has changed much but there is really some tension that wasn't there before, yeah, but I wouldn't say there is a really big shift cause I have never been close with him. 

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You said that you were taken to church so are you religious? 

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Oh, no I'm not religious but my parents are not religious either but if something goes wrong and they don't know what to say they just say Church, because when you are talking about all these other things they don't bring it up but iki fikia hapo...because I don't even remember the last time my mum went to church, my dad either (Hannah: even before corona?)  oh! they don't go, we used to go to Sunday school when we were younger and my mum would go once in a while, my dad would never go. Tullikuwa tunaambiwa anaenda kama kuna wedding, ama function ya kufanyia nini, they would never go to church but then do something they will send you scriptures. Sasa huyu sister yangu is the one like that, church, church even praying in the house sijui morning kuna nini, saa hii vile kuna Corona service kwa nyumba like that but my parents it wasn't like that lakini just do something washindwe watakuchapa ama wakuambie una jua Bible...Unajua Mungu hapendi... unajua...

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As for myself just be a good person and just have a good conscious, everything else is just everything else

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Who are your queer heroes/inspirations 

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I don't have a lot cause I don't follow a lot of people but kwa queer spae ya Kenya, this Grammo chic, anaitwa Grammo Suspect, yeah I heard her story. Yeah, just her, all these other one's ni oh she's cute I like her fashion sense and blah, I'm not really about following their story.

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Would you say your sexuality influences your style in any way?

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Mmm, sometimes but mostly I must dress how I dress, I love good clothes and I love black. So, it doesn't have much to do with my sexuality, though sometimes  it depends on where I am going pia, eh, if I have seen someone and I am going to see someone, yeah (Hannah: she dresses so nice) 😂😂😂  (Hannah: I never knew a human could make me drool, til I met this one)

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Aside from your family, have you faced any backlash for being queer

Mostly outside, in the queer community...I really don't like to mingle because I have heard a lot of gay friends and they are the really *snaps fingers* kind, so I just have really few queer friends because ha! the drama I have been involved in tangu nianaze kumingle nikiingia campus, I just decided I should have the least number of friends possible kwa hii queer community (Hannah: na saa hiyo ni wengi, umati, at kama ni kidogo ni umati) yeah, the friends that I have just happen to be so dramatic so I don't have a lot of them. 

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Yeah and most of the people you experience such drama with si watu wata discriminate, you're friends like that, they will go wild when you are around but outside the queer space I have experienced a lot it hadi ni ka zoea, you just pass someone and they are like yeah huyu dame ni lele unaenda hapo unataka kuatendiwa kitu they just...I don't know...hadi shuge, there is this guy called chief mabeshte zake wanamwambia, ebu go say and then try hitting on her like , hadi wanamwambia uone kama ata kupea number and shit and sometimes, you could just hear not like their sijui mbali they are just around the corner, you're like wow.  Then anakuja kunisalimia (Hannah: that's disgusting, it's like you tell a guy you're gay and he's like I can change that ) or sometimes when I would go to hang out with kina hawa Aisha, my coast friends, some of the people you meet there ha! they are like haya, huyo dame ni lele, some of them are like mbona umemwita akuje. Some of the guys, sijui nini ni mtoke muende basi sijui buy your drinks ugh. cause wanakuona you're competition or something like I don't know, ni kama umekuja kuwa nyanganya hawa waschana ama umefanya waschana wamereduce because of what...yeah, it's that vibe for like don't hang out here just go if that's who you are. Weh niambia kama hao unaweza kaa nao for long once you get that vibe you just... (Hannah: unajikata)

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Do you feel like there are safe spaces in Kenya?

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I have a few friends who work for these LGBTQ communities, so I know there are but I haven't had the experience, nimeenda AFRA hiyo time nilipeleka huyu (Hannah) but all the others I just here from them from akina Greg, akina Enrique, Enrique anawork ata an ISHTAR so I just hear a lot about it and if there is anything ya kusupport I just participate but kuenda in person, I hardly do. Though I know there are. why not?  I don't know, I just don't have the words, I just don't like interacting with people hiyo kumake hiyo move ya kuenda kwanza the first time, who will be there what kind of people are they. Maybe I won't want to mingle, who am I going with then I just.... (Hannah: I'll go with you every time I promise) 😂...sawa tutaenda, cause I usually get a lot of invites sometimes, but then I just don't go.  

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What advice would you give your younger self

Hmmm mmmmm...I always wish I could have talked to my mum more at that point, yeah, cause after she had learnt ndio akanza kubehave hivyo. I had stopped telling her stuff and I used to tell her stuff. Even now our relationship is *sigh*😪...yeah to be open. I would just tell myself to be open with my mum because I know she means a lot to me she is a lot of things to me. Naskianga kama naweza vitu mob, but I just need a really good relationship with her. Yeah, I would tell myself to build a better one and also to not be...so nice ati nataka kufanya kila kitu wanataka nifanye I just wish I was more rebellious or something. Being nice didn't get me a lot of good things, imenipeleka mahali pabaya sana. As a kid, if you tell me no no no, sawa sawa, amekata even if it's what I really wanted to do ata nikutu ningefanya singelala yeah, sa' by the time I started thinking ah!🙄  ilikuwa point itakuwa na wasumbua bure lemme just shhh...I really wish I was more aggressive of all the things I wanted back then because....though I am doing it now, lazima sasa.

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What advice would give to those people who are looking to learn more about the community or who are on the journey to discover themselves

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Not to be so hard on themselves because a lot of things will happen to you or to the people around you na they will definitely have an effect on you, so if you start picking they said this about this, this is what is expected of whatever it is it will make your life extra hard. Make peace with whatever you're doing or whoever you are because all these other things... it eventually comes down to you. Kama hauko peaceful then walisema na ulifanya venye walisema but then now what. also if it's not a decision you are making because it is what you want to do, you won't be okay with the consequences if anything comes out of it utasema, singe, I didn't have too and I made this choice, no one really forced me. Yeah find peace in whatever they are doing, it shouldn't be about nani atafurahi ama who won't be happy.

Despite being outed, what are the benefits of being open and 'out'

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I would say I am happier because as much as I didn't come out to my parents, I was outed and all, but most of the friends I have made wenye wamekuwa really something they are from the  queer space, mtajuana maybe I won't know you're queer but mkigrow hivi cause mmekuwa side moja ya society yeah, the become like a really big part of your life, so I'm happier.  I would say labda hawanga kuwa wanajua hatungekuwa na that kind of relationship (Hannah: hawange kuwa comfortable?) eeehhh na unajua...kwanza if you have....a lot of my friends kutoka primary wako straight so when I went to highschool then I knew most of them...utawambukiza...hadi there was one I would even go to their place kumtafuta and she would come back and hide, ata hataki nikuwa beshte wake. Ata kama nilioutiwa I have made a lot of good friends kwa nini, kwa the queer space.

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What phrase, word or sentence would you use to describe the Kenyan queer community 

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Hmmm mhm...Supportive but pia wako crazy... Watu wame...they don't leave hivyo freely ni kama kuna standard wanatry kumeet, so all that just comes with a lot of drama cause ni kama you're fighting for something and no one even knows what it is so kitu kidogo hivi mara sijui you're talking about who, nini , umemwamka...umemfanya nini... Our people just have zile beef amenyamaza you're with your're friendss unaenda kupatana na nani hapana I don't talk to her..eh, and I'm like ugh what's going on. there is a lot of that, but then apart from that if you're to say, ati, you are going through something they are really supportive, ina kuwa kama a family yeah when someone needs something they don't fail they are always there 

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WE ARE...SUPPORTIVE but CRAZY