RAHELI
 

What are your preferred pronouns

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She/ Her

 

What is your preferred label

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Bisexual

 

At what age did you have your queer-wakening

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I think I have always known I was different, although when I was in class seven I used to think I was bipolar. Cause on a good day I have a crush on Lewis right! He was this light-skinned guy with camel knees but he was so cute he had this baby face What are camel knees? You know baby giraffes, how they look like, the hobble when they walk. But he had this really cute face. And then on other days, I'm noticing Diana or Wambui or Nyagothiê (she was such a black beauty), so I was like ai ai sasa ni nini  hii? And obviously, as many kids are, you don't know these things happen, you have no idea. So, yeah for a very long time I thought there was something wrong with my head, cause sielewi. 

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What led you to be sure that this is the path that you want to take

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Uni...I Kissed my best friend Maureen, I was like yup, yup there is nothing completely straight about me. Plus most guys would make those innuendo-ish comments and I would be like 'eww' and they would be like 'girl are you gay?' cause apparently it's supposed to be appealing to a straight woman and I'm like 'umm OK, maaybee'...so yeah it was really a tug of war between very many things. Cause even in Uni I didn't know where I fit cause when I finally I learnt about being gay and lesbian it was in high school and it was an offence punishable by expulsion very vilified, so guys were like being mad and overcritical and I was like in form 3 and then kuna hizi cases zinapatikana and guys are condemning and 'I'm like yeah it's wrong' but chini ya maji I'm like 'mbona hakuna mtu ananikatia' like am I not cute? what ?! Notice me! so yeah, so let's say in high school I was just like kuna kitu mbaya na mimi for real like for real and then sa' in uni I was like you know what, sijali kama kuna kitu mbaya let's just do this for real, let's see where this goes. Yeah so... so yeah

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You brought up something important, you said you learnt about the LGBTQ+ in highschool

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Yeah, mostly just Gay and lesbian, like that's the first time chics started being caught in the act, yeah. 

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What led you to be like "I'm bisexual" these are my people   

 

It's cause I still find guys attractive but it's like when I fantasize about boys it's more like 'awww nataka tu ani hug' it's never like super explicit...it's more like I wonder what it would be like to hold his hand, it's like super innocent. But then when I think about girls it's so obscene,  it's like sasa, Jesus take the wheel 😂  and actually the first person I ever had a crush on was a maid. My brother's maid alikuwa anaitwa Renee, that was her nickname, she was such a beautiful black girl, mrefu, hot as hell. Me nilikuwa na shinda na enda huko... I don't even visit my brother, lakini that time nilikuwa na shinda nikienda huko I'm like heh, na saa hizo I know he's not there cause he was in the US and mimi ndio huyo nimejipeleka, mimi na miguu zangu 😂 I'm like 'niaje Renee, sasa?!' so yeah.. and it was just right after high school by the way it was right after high school, eh damu yangu ilikuwa inachemka (hehe) 

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Have you come out to anyone in your family?

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 Yeah, actually all my family but it was in stages, first I told my kid bro he was appalled he was like 'no, that's only supposed to be in porn' girl on girl only looks good on porn and then I took some time back I was like...ahem...let' just absorb that and do this argument chini ya maji, cause... you know we never snap at each other in front of our parents but sometimes he will find me in the kitchen and I'm like 'you can't be serious' and like... 'what are you telling me?!' It was more like a snapping contest for a couple of months and then I was like you know what deal with it. Then I told my sister, my sister first took it as a phase she's like 'ai you're probably just bicurious' I was like  'yeah but like you know straight-straight women wouldn't be curious about other women,' but I didn't tell her that I just kept to myself and was like you know what weh, tu jua nimekuambia.

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Then I told my mum...I was in second year, you know kuna those things that weigh on your heart and for me and my mum we were super open, so I was like okay okay okay we gonna tell her. So I woke up one morning. I was preparing for school, biggest mistake ever because we used to go to school together, anafanya kazi KU, she's a lecturer. So that morning I'm dressing and I am psyching myself up and she comes to the mirror while I'm doing my hair and I'm like by the way mum, 'I like women'. Kwanza alinyamaza, akaniangalia, akaniuliza 'does your boyfriend know?'  Nikaona hii ni trick question mum. 'Hapana he doesn't know'  'he should never know'. So I was like will you tell dad she was like he should never know,  yaani wanaume wasijue hii story. And then she was like hii ni kazi ya marafiki zako, and i was like si hivyo, me sina marafiki and then she asked me about my high school best friend, ‘so is that what it was between you and Phoebe because there were things going on the way you used to treat her', I'm like mmm that girl I loved her, but not in that way, I sacrificed so much but not like that, why would I? but I didn't tell her that either, and then akinambia niende confession, ni confess na niende kanisa. Aka niambia this is because I had stopped going to church, so me in my head,I was kinda hurt but I was like bado sija fukuzwa kwa nyumba so... life goes gone. So yeah that ride to school that day...heh...sijawahi kuwa na tension hivyo alafu in my head I'm just like ghai si you ask me the important questions.

 

So yeah, and then I finally, finally I was so scared but I finally came out to my big brother, it's cause his opinion is the one, unajua his that silent strong person whose opinion I really care about, even though I don't really care about anyone's opinions, yeye I care. So I finally told him he was like 'cool cool' I was like 'okay, you are the coolest in all the family, I love you'. Hiyo conversation ikaishia tu hapo ata hakuuliza maswali ming mingi. 

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And your dad? 

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My dad knows. I told him by first asking him a hypothetical, I asked him ‘would you disown your child if they were gay.... Boy or girl doesn't matter?’ He said why should he if that’s how God made him or her, and if the child needs a sex change then so be it, it doesn’t change who they really are. Aka niambia he loves me even more now, cause now he knows how to protect me, aki when he said that I was so happy I cried for like 3 hours  

 

Do Have any queer people who  inspire you

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That girl from orange is the new black, the cute one Poussey? I guess, the one with a face like mine. So yeah her, I like her. Maybe I do but at the moment nothing comes to me... Nyah Afrika, she is the lead of Kisumu women's association or feminist association. She really goes hard, and you know she's only just 23, she really goes hard for those people, for the gay community, ayayai,it's  amazing what she has done in such a short time. It's like wait, kwani haukuenda highschool because zile guts ukanonza wewe mwanamke, I don't. So yeah, it's Nyah Afrika mostly. I don't know if Mildred Awino is in the community but she is someone I really enjoy interacting with on the socials. she is kinda like a medium or something, she is into that wicka stuff

Would you say your sexuality influences your style in any way?

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Yeah, Kinda sometimes, well mostly, when I got out of high school you know that's when you try to identify what clothes you like wearing. I mostly wore clothes that express what character I want to play today. I wanna play the rogue, so I will do boots and yayaya. I wanna pretend I am so innocent so I will wear a nice kadress and make my hair nice. I want to play the femme fatal. Actually, my dressing has very little to do with my sexuality and more to do with what I want to be today. I don't know if I have multiple personality disorder or what but like kuna masiku....like  today I dressed according to colour. This is yellow blue, blue. I have yellow and matched it with combat pants and boots and a black and yellow mask. It's a whole thing but very little do with what I identify as.

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As a bisexual have you encountered any biphobia

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I have, I actually feel like my bisexuality is highly invalidated, because there is one time I told a person I was trying to be friends with, and I was like 'So Zach, umm  I'm  bisexual' and he was like 'si you just choose.' Ushawahi kasirika, I wanted to cry, kwa sababu me hasira yangu inakuwaanga ya machozi. I just wanted to cry so much. There and then nikadecide me and you are not going to be friends, what am I even doing with your number on my phone and I never talked to him from that day on, like literally na nikama ata haku notice cause you know it was just the buddings of a friendship, so mtu aki kughost at that stage ni kama hakunotice and then, there was a time I wanted to come out to one of my other guy friends. 

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First I started with What do you think about gay people, lesbians etc. This is the reaction I got, first he got super outraged, angry and then he said to me it's disgusting, I can't believe anybody gets paid to do that. Ohmygawd, Jesus christ. Wait did he say get paid? Get paid! Anaicompare to prostitution. So I was like, uhhhh, actually I took my time and explained that they don't get paid. But  I told him you got it wrong they don't get paid, but after that ata yeye nilimcut off, I just can't deal with this. I can't deal with people who can't get it but basically yeah. I feel like being bisexual and also being kinda very cross dressy, I'm dressed like this sometimes I'm dressed in a dress, you know but I don't feel very comfortable in dresses. I never used to feel very comfortable in dresses, but I kinda do now, cause my legs are beautiful and they need to be seen by other people, but yeah. I have felt very invalidated a lot so that if I meet like gay people like if I'm at a part, I never like come out as bisexual, I just let you assume what you want to assume and let you make out with me if you want to make out with me.

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Have you gotten that same invalidation from the queer  community 

 

Yeah, even there, you know there are valid gays, there are valid lesbians, there are valid trans but your not valid bisexual, and I'm like...

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Has  'coming out ' changed your life in any way

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It makes me feel freer, like I know I might be controversial if you knew- knew but I also don't feel like I need to hide under any guise of being super straight or always liking the guys people find cute when I don't even find them cute personally cause like you know in primary school guys would be gushing about these musicians. They would go home watch the beat and then come and start saying that sijui Mario, Omarion, sijui nani. Na mimi ninakuja i'm like mliona Leona Lewis?  Leona lewis and her green eyes, oh my gawd she's so hot. So you just shut and you're like umm yeah. So I've always kinda been free to just be me, so I just don't pretend to like what I don't like any more.

Do you feel like there are safe spaces in Kenya? 

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I think AFRA was nice the one time for a fashion show for, she (Rose) invited me to. AFRA was so nice, if I could find more spaces like that I would be so happy. I haven't been to any cause this was really...this year I had decided to embrace just everything, just you know, cause all through life it's been more of denying that side of me because I'm just trying to be normal and get babies and a husband and a house and just show my parent I'm a successful woman in that respect because I am not succeeding career-wise. So I was like, I have the man, I have the baby, uhhh,  you know what time to focus on ME! and just figure this out once and for all my gawd. Will I ever know if...and then and then that's the worst part cause I was dealing with trauma for a lot of years, so now that it's over, like last year I did something that like totally, kinda erased all the trauma and then I started feeling even more gay than I ever felt in my life. I was like ohmygawd I fucked up, what?! So how am I supposed to carry on this marriage exactly?! what do I do?!  I'm engaged and I have a baby, so technically we are family. Oh my gawd , I fucked up, I shouldn't have killed the trauma it should have just stayed. So, yeah. It's really something, it's a whole thing.

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So are you polyamorous in that sense

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We tried and then it got complicated. It got complicated, feelings got too intense and there were misunderstandings and bad communication. Oh my gawd, but one day we might be polygamous. Maybe one day, I hope so. I would love that. The idea is just so appealing, imagine, mimi na pendwa na watu wawili.

 

How would that work if there was already complication the first time 

 

I know right, maybe as we get older we'll get wiser and just figure it out as we go. So you'll have like rules or something. I don't know, we'll cross that bridge

 

What advice would you give your younger self

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That I don't have any mental issues, unajua that's the problem about having a psychologist mum. You learn all those hard terms and then you start associating them with things you're seeing in your life and you're like...My mum isn't one of those who practice with their own kids and that's one of my issues with her. Like she could have easily just taken when I was going through stuff and you know taken me through it but no she gave me away to counsellors, she gave me away to my sister she gave me away to people instead of, you know, being the one who is taking care me when I'm going through this bullshit, so....yeah!

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What advice would give to those people who are looking to learn more about their sexuality like younger you

 

I would tell myself to watch more movies like I know that they kinda romanticize everything but it kinda gives you an idea like a general idea of oh kuna hao watu. They're people who love like this, they're people who love different, they're people who don't have any sexual feelings at all (Asexual people) and I'm like wow you really don't want babies. Cause let's be honest, the way we have been raised being sexual is all about birthing babies and also women are expected to, you know, to churn out babies like it's the easiest thing and it's hard. Being a mum is HAAArd. Not just the pregnancy part even emotionally. Especially for someone like me who doesn't like being emotionally entangled in anybody's like and now I have to be emotionally entangled with this baby for life. Man, hiyo kitu ni ngumu, you wake up every day and this thing is calling you mum and you're like 'aaaawww' but one day you're going to insult me and I'm going to have to kick you. Kwanza you know mimi si skizanangi na wasichana na sasa nikona msichana and I'm like oh gawd, yup here it comes. My first murder charge.😂😂

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What phrase, word or sentence would you use to describe the Kenyan queer community 

I think it's very WARM and WELCOMING. I love being in those spaces. I just hate that heterosexual people are so stupid about it kwanza ukilizwa who's the guy. I'm like we are gay the point is there is no guy, nigga, don't be dumb...

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On that note of saying warm and welcoming what these communities that are warm and welcoming

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Facebook, my Facebook friends, I have so many, actually hii mwaka na towards the end of last year I made so many queer friends and I just love them all so much. They are so cool and I love the conversations that go on. Usually my Facebook. used to be memes, funny videos, magazine updates za people, vogue instyle and then I started accepting friend requests from the queer community and the conversations that go on there are so cool, yaani there is no... I love it so much. I love it so much and there is no hate going around unless someone comes against your own. Like this silly person tried to come against a lady called Sylvia. Heh! si watu walimattack, first of all she doesn't even have the looks to try..heh! please. She was, she was, what was it called, it was the thing where you know where you send someone your photos nudes, and then they decide, I think they were calling it revenge porn. Yaani she was feeling eish, people came together and consoled her and then we went to that person's page and dissed her. Someone even made a meme, cause you know she was wearing this durag so someone took a durag pic and then hers on the side and it was like kitambaa vs durag. Kuna petty people but petty people are everywhere to be honest. But how people come together to defend their own here...DAAAAMN! I love it, I love it here   

 

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WE ARE... WARM AND WELCOMING